Lauryn Petrie
Sex, Drugs, & Death
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Lauryn Petrie is a standup comic, writer, actor, ex-autopsy assistant, and former drug addict. From cutting up dead people to living under a bridge, she finds humor where others fear to tread. Her unique life experiences create her singular blend of an outrageous, macabre, and transgressive style. She says “In hard times, it’s helpful to see that the darkness is ALSO often ridiculous.”
Lauryn has appeared at SKANKFEST NYC (2019), Skankfest South (2021), Hell Yes fest, New York Comedy Festival, Carolines, Cape Fear Comedy Festival, Accidental Comedy Festival, The Gramercy Theater, and on TNT. She's been heard on SiriusXM, Gas Digital, Sam Tripoli’s Tinfoil Hat, and Zac Amico's Midnight Spookshow. Lauryn was the chief editor for Broke Ass stuart’s political and lifestyle website NYC 2016-2018
Lauryn co-hosts & produces a weekly podcast recorded and filmed at GaS Digital Studios called “Alien, Murder, Sex”
She co-produces a Monthly comedy showcase with Jonas Barnes at Starr Bar in Bushwick called “The TraUmedy hour”.
Based in NYC, You can Catch her all over Brooklyn, Manhattan and on the road. Check the “SHOWS” section on this website updated regularly.
Projects
• Lauryn is the writer of the “Murder House” cartoon series about famous serial killers who live together like a sitcom. She hopes that soon, she’ll be able to finance the animation for a pitch.
• She is also currently in the middle of writing a dark comedy memoir and separate graphic novel about her time working in the Manhattan Morgue.
• Alien Murder Sex podcast: True crime stories, alien abductions, and porn reviews.
Follow her on the social media, links at the bottom of this page.
Early life
A child of divorce and a South African mother, Lauryn grew up in an abusive home in Austin in an affluent neighborhood. She was a child actress, most known for a part as a villain in the 1997 made-for-TV movie “Hope”, directed by Goldie Hawn. Unable to endure her mother’s abuse anymore, she ran away to live with her Asperger’s Father in Silicon Valley where she quickly fell in with the wrong crowd. Within weeks she was doing blow in the highschool bathroom, feeling fancy .
A few years later, she ran away to Portland Oregon where she lived with a “street family” under a bridge. Once she tore a guys eyes out of his face when he tried to assault her while high on heroin. She also survived hitchhiking all over the west coast. Do these skills translate well to LinkedIn in ANY way?
She escaped the bridge by moving to Idaho with a boyfriend, who turned out to be, not a “great” guy. She tried to escape the relationship by enrolling in college. Unfortunately, she was stalked for a couple of years but credits heavy metal for helping her feel like a God when she was scared. She worked at a late-night pizza shop and eventually dropped out of college to become a stripper. Lauryn has fond memories of her days as a stripper but was eventually fired for being too fat. Twice. From the same club. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
After that, Lauryn made enough money webcamming to escape Idaho. After smoking DMT for the first time, she decided to move to Portland Oregon to pursue stand-up comedy.
Stand Up
At her very first five-minute open mic in Portland, OR she met established comedian Belinda Carroll who offered to take her out on the road. After that, she began doing road work all over the Pacific Northwest where she regularly opened for Kristine Levine. Lauryn was accepted into multiple comedy festivals. At the Cape Fear Comedy Festival, she was lovingly “kidnapped” by the owner of The Creek and the Cave comedy club, put in a van, and driven to NYC.
Living in New York, Lauryn struggled with alcoholism and fought hard to find her financial and emotional footing. In spite of this, in her first few years in the city, Lauryn performed in the New York Comedy Festival four years in a row and opened for some really amazing headliners including Laurie Kilmartin, Jessica Kirson, Judah Friedlander, Dave Attell, and Sam Tripoli, and Adrienne Lapalucci.
Pandemic Morgue Autopsies
During the pandemic, out of fear of being homeless again, Lauryn went and worked at Kings County Hospital as a Morgue tech, which led to a more permanent job at the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner as an autopsy assistant. With no prior medical experience, she was trained in human butchery and assisted in hundreds of autopsy cases during the height of Covid in Manhattan.
Lauryn quit the morgue after 11 months because once comedy came back. The agency wouldn’t allow her to perform jokes about her experiences while she worked there, and sent her a Cease and Desist about the jokes they did see.
Present
She’s working hard on her podcast “Alien Murder Sex “, her forthcoming memoir about he morgue, and stand up.
Lauryn lives in Astoria with her incredible boyfriend, is now cool with her Dad, and is patiently waiting out the expiration of her Mother.
